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Joel Klebanoff: Stuff & Nonsense

To worry is to be. To be is to worry.

Get Rich Quick on the Internet

Do you want to earn an enormous amount of money on the Internet quickly and easily? Of course you do! Who wouldn’t?

I know it sounds too good to be true, but here are seven simple steps to getting fabulously wealthy on the Internet. Follow them and success is guaranteed.

  1. Find a good Internet service provider that offers unlimited bandwidth at a low price.
  2. Build a Web site with lots of pages that lots of people will want to read and tell their friends and family about.
  3. Keep the pages fresh and engaging so everyone will want to come back again and again.
  4. Put paid advertising on most, if not all of the pages.
  5. Sell stuff like t-shirts, books and trinkets on your Web site.
  6. Get millions of people to visit your site every day.
  7. Convince most of those people to buy the stuff you’re selling.

How, you might ask, do you bring millions of people to your site every day, keep them coming back and convince them to buy the stuff you’re selling? Damned if I know.

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Starbucks Rules

I am a frequent Starbucks customer. That’s because I like strong coffee, particularly espresso. I find that, to my taste, the flavor of the coffee at other chains here in Canada approximates dishwater. Not that I’ve ever sampled dishwater, you understand, but I imagine that’s what it tastes like.

The coffee at Peet’s Coffee & Tea in the U.S. is, in my opinion, as good as Starbucks, but we don’t have Peet’s here in Canada. There are some independent coffeehouses that have good coffee, but I haven’t found any in my neighborhood.

Another reason I frequent Starbucks is I’m a low-budget snob who prefers to pretend that flavor is the reason for favoring Starbucks rather than snobbery.

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Narcissists Anonymous

Weird notions sometimes pop into my head. For instance, I recently found myself wondering whether there are any formal organizations that run support groups for narcissists who want to curtail their narcissism in order to improve their already fabulous selves in the eyes of others. What I had in mind was that this would be for narcissists somewhat like what Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I’m asking for a friend.

If there is a Narcissists Anonymous, I envision its meetings typically going something like the following:

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Cornering the Web Content Market

I am a member of BlogCatalog (BC). I hang out there for two reasons. First, I’d have absolutely no life otherwise, so I like to kibitz with the people there. And, second, I use it to shamelessly promote my blog posts.

In a discussion a while back in the BC forums someone asked, “So, what inspires you to write?”

As is my wont, I answered flippantly. I said, “I’m trying to corner the market on Web content. I still have a ways to go.”

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A Sign of the Times

Dear city: Help me out here, please.

Dear city: Help me out here, please.

Do you see the picture to the right? I snapped it a short time ago on Bloor Street here in my hometown of Toronto. Or, more accurately, I snapped it on the sidewalk beside Bloor Street, but you probably figured that out. Can you guess what it is about the sign that I want to mock?

If you know that Toronto has ravines and a few small hills, but nothing that could even vaguely considered to be a mountain, you might think I want to ridicule the fact that one of our streets is named Mount Pleasant Road. No, that’s not it.

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Evil Childhood Dreams

When adults find themselves in situations where they are expected to talk to children who are not their own offspring, if they can’t think of anything else to say, mental processes, which seem to me to be autonomic, frequently kick in. These processes often lead the adults to ask some variation of, “So, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

I’m usually pretty good at talking with children. People have told me it’s because I’m so incredibly childish myself. I would prefer that they said childlike rather than childish, but it is what it is. Nonetheless, I’ve occasionally fallen victim to this syndrome too.

I always feel silly afterward because I’m sure the young children to whom that question is addressed are thinking, “What a facile, taciturn dullard! Is that the most sagacious query he could formulate?” What can I say? The kids I know have good vocabularies; often better than mine. It makes me feel self-conscious, but that’s OK because everything makes me feel self-conscious.

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A Worrying Suggestion

Some advice is absurd. There are a variety of categories of ridiculous recommendations, but the one I’m talking about here is advice that is pointless because it is impossible to follow. The following is an example of this sort of silly suggestion.

I am always angst-ridden. Always. When people learn this, which rarely requires more than thirty seconds of interaction with me, they often tell me I shouldn’t worry so much.

Ridiculous! I’m an incessant, incurable worrier. It’s a core part of me. Without it I’d likely cease to exist.

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Ancient Porn

Naples National Archaeological Museum staircase

Naples National Archaeological Museum staircase

Today’s digital scribbling is the result of a visit to the “Secret Room” (sometimes known as Secret Cabinet or, in Italian, Gabinetto Segreto) of the Naples National Archaeological Museum.

When I was devising a title for this post my first inclination was to call it Ancient Erotica rather than Ancient Porn because porn has more of a morality connotation than erotica. It is not my intent to apply any moral judgement to the pieces of art I saw there. However, on further consideration, I figured that more people use porn as a search term than erotica so I thought I could get more traffic with porn. OK. I admit it. I’m a traffic slut.

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