Joel Klebanoff: Stuff & Nonsense

To worry is to be. To be is to worry.

Archive for the ‘news (yeah, right)’ Category

NEWSFLASH: Fighting in Toomaltia Continues —

The decades-old, on-again, off-again battles in the tiny, brutally impoverished, sub-Saharan country of Toomaltia flared up again two months ago. They have continued almost unabated ever since. To date, 178 men, women, children and other people—which represents over five percent of the population at the start of the fighting—have died in the current round of […]

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NEWSFLASH: New Regulatory Agency —

The government today announced the formation of a sweeping, new regulatory agency that will oversee and govern the entire financial sector. Banks, stock brokerages, mortgage lenders, finance companies, hedge funds, mutual funds, asset management firms and insurance companies, among others, will all fall under the purview of this agency. This new regulatory body will be […]

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NEWS FLASH: Jeeh Emm Introduces Revolutionary Motor —

Jeeh Emm Automotive, Inc. today introduced a new engine technology that promises to revolutionize and reinvigorate the auto industry. Jeeh Emm has given its new motor the name “Moolahator.” (Pronounced moo-la-ate-or.) At least one element of the Moolahator is not novel. It is a steam engine. Carrying traditional steam technologies forward several steps, Jeeh Emm […]

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NEWSFLASH: Warden Considers Authorizing Conjugal Visits —

Paul Overtown, warden of Lokmup Prison, in Throway Keys, Florida surprised area residents today with an announcement that he was leaning toward approving a request for conjugal visits at his prison. “I understand people’s concern about this important issue,” said Overtown in response to a reporter’s question. “I’m as uneasy as they are about the […]

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NEWS FLASH: Nurturing the Heart —

Scientists at Geron Corporation, a biotech firm, and at the University of Washington successfully harvested human embryonic stem cells, genetically manufactured them to become heart cells and transplanted them into rats. The new cardiac cells survived the transplant and, after four weeks, the cells remained in the rats’ hearts and showed no signs of cancer […]

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