Going Down on Traffic

Sometimes I get a little depressed about how few people poke their heads into this space. It’s not that my blog visitor count is a bust, it’s just that it’s tough getting it up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that some loyal readers””maybe you’re one””come here frequently. I just wish I could penetrate deeper into the blogosphere audience.

It’s not that I lust for fame or fortune””well, maybe I lust for fortune. It’s just that writing can sometimes suck your head dry, so it would give me extreme pleasure if more people read what I put out here.

I am a Complete Boob

I racked my brain to try to figure out what I could do about my visitor count, but I couldn’t come up with anything that would get it up. I thought the quandary had me licked. I was about to just suck it up and go down in defeat when an incredible idea came to me.

“What a boob I am,” I ejaculated, despite there being no one within earshot. “What a huge boob!”

I had, in fact, been a boob to end all boobs, if you will. Even the boob tube, a device well-deserving of its nickname, had never employed or entertained such a big boob as I had been. The answer was poking me right in the head.

What is one of the most searched for items on the Internet? That’s right. Porn. Yes, you heard me, porn.

I know this isn’t a porn site and I have no intention of turning it into a porn site. I don’t target children as my audience, so I have no qualms about getting a PG rating, but I don’t want this blog to be R-rated, X-rated or, worse, XXX-rated. If it were, too many of the more conservative of my readers would be in and out of here so quickly it would give your head a spin.

The answer is easy. All I need to do to attract people who use search engines to find porn is to include in my blog posts words and phrases that people use when searching for porn. I don’t actually have to use them in a porn context. My plan is to use words that have two meanings; one sex-related and one not sex-related. I’ll use the words, without the sex.

That should snatch some traffic away from the porn sites.

Dicks

What am I talking about? Well, I could write a blog post about all of the Dicks in the world””real and fictional; living and dead. Dick Cheney, Dick Clark, Dick Van Dyke, Dick Van Patten, Dick Martin, Dick Smothers, Moby Dick and Dick Tracy are just a few of the people, and one whale, who might be included in the post. You get the picture.

You could fill a deep moist hole with all of the Dicks out there. Of course, the hole doesn’t have to be moist, but it could be. The thrilling thing is, I can talk about all of the Dicks, without ever using the vulgar slang noun that is spelled the same way as the name Dick. I wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

To complete the Dicks picture, I would like to find a few heavyset people named Dick so I can talk about big Dicks. When I say “big Dicks,” I was thinking of people who are big and have the name Dick, but I guess Moby Dick qualifies as a big Dick as well. That should suck in a lot of porn-seekers.

My only regret is that, to the best of my knowledge, the Bush family of U.S. political fame (or infamy, depending on who you speak to) does not include any Dicks. A Dick in the Bush family would really keep the porn-seekers coming.

Turning away from Dicks, there are a lot of unsullied animal-blogs out there that appear to go down well with their audiences. Cat blogs seem to be particularly hot. Maybe I too should write a post or two about cute pussies.

Pussies

I would find it hard to write about pussies because I don’t own a pussy cat. But I know a lot of people with pussies and, with a little research, I’m confident I could take a poke at the popular pussy cat genre.

Pussies are such a rich blog topic because there are so many different kinds of pussies. There are pussies with long hair, pussies with short hair and pussies with so little hair that they look like shaved pussies.

Then there are also all of the different pussy cat behaviors to discuss. Some pussies love to be stroked. Other pussies are content to just sit on your lap. And still other pussies love playing with boxes lying on the floor. They’ll go into the box, come out of the box, in, out, in, out … these pussies could amuse themselves for hours by simply going in and out of a box.

I could go all the way and talk about pussies frolicking among pussy willows, but that might be thrusting a good thing too far.

I’ve been told that pictures help to suck in traffic. Thus, I will include a lot of pictures of pussies. Pictures of British Shorthair pussies, pictures of Exotic Shorthair pussies, pictures of Oriental Shorthair pussies, pictures of American Curl pussies, pictures of Japanese Bobtail pussies, pictures of Scottish Fold pussies, pictures of Siamese pussies, pictures of Somali pussies and pictures of Turkish Van pussy cats will all be there.

Beavers

Pussy cats are great, but I’d want to talk about undomesticated animals as well. Being Canadian, I’d be remiss if I didn’t put out one or two blog posts about Canada’s national symbol, the beaver. Beavers are well-known for always being hard at work, as evidenced by the expression “busy as a beaver.” I’m less certain of their enthusiasm, but “eager beaver” is a common idiom.

Beavers trudge through bushes and forests, gnawing on woody plants, such as trees, gathering material to build their dams. The damns serve as protection against predators that might otherwise eat beavers. Beavers, which are semi-aquatic, can swim through the underwater openings leading into their lodges, but predators do not penetrate the holes.

Asses

One beast that does not get enough credit, but is a natural for my scheme, is the mule, commonly known as an ass. Despite being the offspring of a cross between a donkey and a horse, an ass is, nonetheless, not exactly built like a horse.

Asses are often used as beasts of burden. Asses frequently carry heavy packs in terrain where motorized vehicles can’t go, particularly on steep hills where other pack animals and vehicles can’t go down. When people work in these areas, it’s not uncommon to see women and men riding asses. The riders first put a saddle, hung like a horse saddle, on the back of the ass. The rider then mounts the ass and drives it forward.

I do like to impart useful information in my blog from time to time, so I’ll be sure to let people know that asses have only one back. This is not a beast with two backs.

Cocks

While I’m talking about animals, I might also write a post about male birds, i.e., cocks.

I could thrust that post even further. Birds, whether cocks or hens, are occasionally hunted, which requires that hunters cock their guns. Sometimes they don’t use a rifle, but rather a pistol, which, of course, is also referred to as a rod. It can be hard, but hunters occasionally have to cock, i.e., tilt, their rods at an weird angle to hit their cock, i.e., male bird, target.

Tits

Being a firm believer in educating people whenever possible, I would also want to use my blog to clear up a common misconception. Many people think that a titmouse, also referred to as simply a tit, is a type of mouse. That’s an understandable misreading of the term seeing as though the long form of tit is titmouse, but tits are, in fact, birds.

Tits are small songbirds that nest in holes. There are a number of varieties of tits, including Blue Tits, Great Tits, Black-breasted Tits, Stripe-breasted Tits, Southern Black Tits, White-bellied Tits, White-backed Tits and Tufted Tits, among other tits.

Tits range widely throughout the world. In fact, you can find tits that are native to all continents except South America, Australia and, of course, Antarctica. Antarctica I can understand, but I don’t know why there aren’t any native tits in South America or Australia, despite there being tits that are native to all other continents.

Woodpeckers

Tits aren’t the only interesting birds. Woodpeckers, or peckers for short, are amazing creatures. Peckers poke their hard beaks into trees to create holes, or they take advantage of existing holes, to find something to eat. These birds’ long, hard peckers penetrate holes to get at the succulent insects living deep within trees. Despite feasting on the insects they extract from tree holes, occasionally you’ll see peckers in bushes.

Breasts

After I’ve finished a series of posts on animals, I might segue to a few culinary blog posts. For example, I might write about how, when I sit down to a meal of chicken, my favorite part of the bird is the breast. I also favor turkey breasts. Of course, I should mention in the post that when you buy chicken breasts or turkey breasts, you should choose big breasts because big breasts are the juiciest.

Naturally, as a public service, I would feel the urge, no, the burning desire, to mention that when you cook your chicken breasts or turkey breasts you shouldn’t open the oven while you are naked because the breasts could splatter hot juices on your naked body.

As with pussies, if I do go down the road of writing this post I’ll also include lots of pictures of big breasts””pictures of big breasts of chickens and pictures of big breasts of turkeys, that is.

Blowing Winds

In another day’s post, I’ll likely describe severe weather conditions. That will allow me to talk about witnessing the wind blow. Job one, though, will still be to give my audience pleasure.

I had been thinking of writing a post about babes in arms and breast feeding, but I fear that, beyond the words babes and breasts, the other words in the post might attract pedophiles. That’s too sick for my taste.

That’s all for now. What do you think of my scheme? Is it a good idea or is it bush league? I’m sure some people will think I’m just a jerk. Off the top of my head, I’m not certain they are wrong.

Time will tell if my plot works. In a future post I might reveal how much traffic the paragraphs above sucked in.

Question: If you decide to StumbleUpon this, are you going to classify it as adult content or not?