Joel Klebanoff: Stuff & Nonsense

To worry is to be. To be is to worry.

Narcissists Anonymous

Weird notions sometimes pop into my head. For instance, I recently found myself wondering whether there are any formal organizations that run support groups for narcissists who want to curtail their narcissism in order to improve their already fabulous selves in the eyes of others. What I had in mind was that this would be for narcissists somewhat like what Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I’m asking for a friend.

If there is a Narcissists Anonymous, I envision its meetings typically going something like the following:

  • New Member: Hi. My name is Hal and I’m a narcissist.
  • Rest of Group (RoG): Hi, Hal!
  • Hal: Shut the fuck up! It’s great that you want to greet me, but that is only as it should be. But if I had the least bit of interest in hearing from anyone but myself there’d be no reason for me to be here.
  • Group Leader (GL): Hal, we’re a group here. We … (interrupted by Hal)
  • Hal: Exactly! We’re a group that’s focused on helping me. When we’re through with that I plan to leave because there’s no value in me listening to people talk about anything that isn’t directly about me. I would have said about me and positive, but the positive part would be superfluous because there is nothing negative that anyone can truthfully say about me.
  • I spent an hour and a half showering; shaving; styling my hair; brushing, flossing and whitening my teeth; picking out just the right shirt and pants; and then dressing carefully so as to not introduce any wrinkles into my clothes. After I invested all of that time and effort, why the hell would I want to waste so much as a second listening to other people’s problems?
  • GL: Hal, we’re all narcissists here, even me. But we’ve learned to control our narcissism long enough to let other people and their concerns into our lives.
  • RoG: (All of them babbling out of turn. The following is a greatly abridged version of what they said:) Yeah, Hal. We’re members of this group too. We have the same rights here as you do.
  • Hal: We. We. We. You people make me sick! We. We. We. That’s all you ever talk about. This is the time to talk about the only thing that really matters, me.
  • GL: Don’t you think that’s rather selfish?
  • Hal: Yeah, so, what’s your point?
  • GL: Hal, it’s important for each of us to keep in mind that it can’t always be about us.
  • Hal: You got that one right. It’s not always about us. It is, and should be, always about me.
  • GL: You know what I mean.
  • Hal: Are you totally insane? Why would I want to waste any time trying to figure out what you mean? I have a university degree. I know what’s what. Your ideas about the world don’t concern me in the least. In short, not only do I not know what you mean, but, more importantly, I don’t care.
  • Nancy (another group member): But … (cut off by Hal)
  • Hal: Shut up fat-face. I listen only to gorgeous women and then only if they have the hots for me. If they can’t be bothered to spend the time and money necessary to make themselves look gorgeous for me, including cosmetic surgery if necessary, then there’s no reason for me to take any interest in them. And if they don’t have the hots for me then they obviously have serious mental problems and any sort of relationship with them, even a casual one, would be ridiculous.
  • I don’t know if you have the hots for me or if you’re nutso, but you’re clearly not gorgeous enough to meet my exacting standards. So, shut the hell up while I’m here.
  • GL: OK, Hal. FIne. Let’s make this about you. You clearly have difficulties relating to other people. I’m guessing you have problems forming intimate relationships with women. How often do you have sex?
  • Hal: Does that include masturbation? I’m my best lover.
  • GL: OK, include masturbation. How often do you have sex?
  • Hal: About three times a day, on average.
  • GL: And, not counting masturbation?
  • Hal: I’m not sure. I’d have to check my 2001 and 2002 calendars. But I’m pretty sure it wasn’t farther back than that. Women don’t know what they are missing, but that’s their problem. I don’t need anything more than my right hand. It’s the best lay I’ve ever had. It’s the best there is.
  • It continues like that until:
  • Hal: Well, that’s it for today. I’ve got an appointment with my hairdresser, so I’ve got to leave. There’s no point in the rest of you hanging around without me here.

With the possible exception of the Hal character, people attending meetings like that would definitely need several large alcoholic drinks afterward. And considering what they’d been through, nobody would think of trying to deny them those drinks. So, I presume no one could be a member of both Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcissists Anonymous simultaneously.

But I’ve done enough of the talking in this post (he said trying desperately to deflect any judgement that he is narcissistic), what do you think of the Narcissists Anonymous idea? Do you think there’s a need for such an organization in the world today?

Oh, what the hell? Never mind. Who am I kidding? Mine is the only opinion that matters to me.

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Afterword: After I finished writing this post I had the bright idea of Googling “Narcissists Anonymous” to see if there is such a thing. It turns out there is, but it’s not along the lines of what I suggested above. It’s a comedic improv troupe in San Francisco.

In addition, back in 2011, someone named Lisa E. Scott thought (probably with tongue planted firmly in cheek, although I’m not sure about that) of starting such a group.

It’s a good thing I didn’t Google Narcissists Anonymous before writing this post because I probably wouldn’t have bothered writing it if I had. I hate it when I’m second to an idea.

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10 Comments

  1. Sci-Fi Gene says:

    I joined a Gullibles Anonymous group – well worth the £50,000 per session…

    • Sci-Fi Gene says:

      The group leader told us we weren’t gullible anymore – we believed him so we all went home.

      • That was brilliant of the group leader, wasn’t it? He did it to provide a practical demonstration of your gullibility because so many people in the group are in denial. Although, it does prove that you are a tough case. I strongly recommend that you also buy the take-home workbooks. They are available for just £1,500 when bought in conjunction with a session.

    • And I greatly appreciated your payment. Would you be interested in a follow-up group session? It covers pretty well everything the first session missed. Because you are so loyal to the group I can let you have the second session for only £49,500, a huge £500 savings!

      • Sci-Fi Gene says:

        That’s a great offer but I don’t think I’ll have time. I went along to my Shopaholics Anonymous meeting and there were all these other meetings going on as well, they all looked so good and I couldn’t choose between them so I signed up for them all…

        • That’s a pity. When can I expect to receive your cancelation fee of £15,000 for the second session? By attending the first session, you accepted an implied contract to take the remaining sessions.

          I’ll send you session and cancellation fee information for the final 57 sessions at a later date.

  2. I’m always guaranteed to have a good laugh when I pass by here. Maybe you should start a narcissist group in your area and give us weekly updates on how it progresses, ha ha ha.

    You can decorate the room with mirrors and have images of every person who attends, and instead of people signing in, they can just do autographs on all their own photos. Now don’t forget to have cutlery and crockery that reflects everyone’s image so they can groom as they listen to each other. It would be fun Joel,
    Enjoy your weekend mate.

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