I hate spammers. I despise their penis-enlarging, breast-firming, diet-accelerating claptrap that overloads my email inbox. These cankers of electronic communications pollute the Internet with their effluvia.

But even more than I hate spammers, I hate the incredibly stupid people who fall victim to them. I know it’s politically incorrect to call people stupid, but screw them. They’re idiots.

Why do I hate them? Spam is incredibly cheap, but it’s not free. If no one bought the spammers’ baloney, the spammers would eventually shrivel up and die, as they well deserve.

That having been said, there is one type of spam that I somewhat enjoy because it is so entertaining. Can there be any greater comedy than spam informing you that you are in line to get millions of dollars?

An aside: I usually post my own writing here. I would never knowingly copy someone’s words without giving proper credit. Consequently, I must now state that the following is a verbatim cut-and-paste of an email I received, with all of the typos left intact. Some people will think I’m joking about that, but I’m sure millions of other people received the same message, so hopefully someone will confirm that he or she received it too.

While the following email is not my writing, I will intersperse comments of my own design throughout.

ENDEAVOUR TO USED IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF GOD

This was both the subject line and a title at the top of the message. I’ll ignore the nonsensical phraseology, but the sender didn’t do much research, did she? I guess she didn’t see that I have, on a number of occasions, publicly stated that I’m a devout atheist. That considered, what do you think are the chances that this headline will induce me to respond positively to the petitioner’s request? Subtle hint: None.

Mrs.susan fernando.

I am the above named person from philippines.

Hi Susan. Nice to meet you. I guess the shift key on your keyboard is on the fritz because most people capitalize the first letter of proper names.

I am married to Dr SAZON FERNANDO who worked with philippines embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2005.

Whoa! Now I see. You were saving up all of those capital letters to use in your late husband’s name. Well, that’s OK then.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My condolences. I hope you haven’t been lonely all of this time.

We were married for eleven years without a child.

I take it you wanted a child. Again, my condolences.

He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

At least he didn’t suffer long. We can be thankful for that.

Before his death we were both born again Christians.

I suppose that’s the easier route, but it would have been much more helpful if he had been born again after death rather than before. That way, death wouldn’t have put such a big dent in his and your sex lives. Oh well, you know what they say. You can’t always get what you want.

By the way, I’ve never understood how adults are born again. If you don’t mind me asking, it doesn’t involve your whole body being forced through a woman’s vagina does it? I would imagine that would be rather painful for the owner of the vagina.

Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.

How very noble of you!

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 18Million Dollars (eighteen Million United State Dollars) with one finance/security company in Amsterderm-Netherlands. Presently This money is still with the  Security Company.

Holy crap! Those workers in the Philippines embassy in CÃ?te d’Ivoire do alright, don’t they? Do you know if there are any job vacancies there that I might be able to fill?

Recently my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem.

Oh no, Susan. That’s terrible. I’m so sorry.

Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.

Susan, stop! You’re breaking my heart! Cancer and a stroke. Holy sweet Gladys mother of Elvis, no! That’s terrible. What, no herpes and yeast infections? Then you’d really be tearing at my heart stings.

Having known my condition I decided to donate this Fund to church or better still a christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in.

Hmm. I wonder where this is going and how it might involve a poor, wretched heathen like me?

I want a church that will use this funds to fund churches orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth.

You are blessed, Susan. Oh, yes. You are truly blessed!

I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner.

Heaven forbid those bastards should get their heretical hands on it! They might use it for something evil, like donating it to a secular university or hospital.

Hence the reason for taking this bold decision.

Be bold, Susan. Yes! Be bold!

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord.

Just a warning: Don’t cop a feel of that bosom. The Lord hates that. I’m told He’s rather sensitive about his moobs.

Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development.

Ooops! I guess I spilled the beans by publishing your email here. Sorry about that. I can see now why you would want to keep this quiet. You wouldn’t want any evil nonbelievers to hear about your good deed, now would you?

With God all things are possible.

That’s the spirit, Susan! Maybe He’ll cure you. Then you can make sure the money goes exactly where you want it to go. That would put my mind very much at ease. Yes, I’m certain that’s what will happen. He’ll cure you for sure. No need to involve me. No need at all.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Finance/Security Company in Amsterderm-Netherlands. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the original- beneficiary of this Funds.

I trust you, Susan. Honest. You don’t have to reassure me on that score.

I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard.

I guess I didn’t make myself quite clear, but I don’t pray. Sorry. How about if I dedicate my next crap in your honor instead?

As for the rest, if you want to engage in sheep-and-shepherd role play games with the Lord while you’re with Him, well, what goes on between consenting adults and deities is nobody’s business but theirs as far as I’m concerned. Enjoy.

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.

As long as you’re happy, Susan, that’s all that matters.

Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth.

“Whoever that wants to serve the Lord…”? Well, that let’s me off the hook. Thanks!

Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Um, I feel uncomfortable questioning you under such sad circumstances, but are you sure you’ve addressed this to the right guy?

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or christian individual for this same purpose.

In that case, I guess I better jump on this right away.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

Count on it Susan. Would I lie to you?

Hoping to hearing from you. I have set aside 20% for you and for your time and 10% for any enpense if there is any .

How very generous of you. Of course, I wouldn’t think of keeping a penny. Not a single penny. I’ll donate my entire share to a suitable charity. I’m thinking of the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Science and Reason. What do you think?

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord. Yours in Christ.

Er, um, considering my beliefs, I don’t think the Lord blesses me and I seriously doubt that Christ would want you to be mine in Him. And, come to think of it, if there is an afterlife, your departed husband might also be somewhat pissed off about you being mine. However, not knowing about these things, that’s only a guess on my part.

By the way, if there is an afterlife and you should happen to see Douglas Adams there, tell him I was a big fan of his.

Well, see you, Susan. So sorry about the cancer and stroke. I hope you’re feeling better. Adams bless you.