The government today announced the formation of a sweeping, new regulatory agency that will oversee and govern the entire financial sector. Banks, stock brokerages, mortgage lenders, finance companies, hedge funds, mutual funds, asset management firms and insurance companies, among others, will all fall under the purview of this agency.
This new regulatory body will be called NOHAFCA (No One Has A Frigging Clue Agency). Its mandate is to design and implement regulations that will attempt to limit or, better yet, eliminate the financial sector’s excesses, management mistakes, accountability shortcomings and governance failures that were major causes of the current economic meltdown.
Within the scope of the laws duly passed by the government, NOHAFCA will have broad powers to create and enforce any regulations that it considers to be in the best interest of consumers, businesses, taxpayers and the financial industry itself.
The first task of NOHAFCA will be to acquire and install the world’s most powerful computer and the necessary software. This computer will be tasked with the job of randomly generating financial sector supervision policies. It will also create random regulations to support those policies. These policies and regulations will then be used to govern the financial sector.
When asked why randomness was important in policy and regulation generation, Fanny WatdefÃ?ch, the newly appointed chairperson of NOHAFCA, said, “In the past, we’ve tried to gather the best minds together, perform research, study the issues, and come up with intelligent, facts-based policies. This often led to financial sector debacles because, in a nutshell, no one has a frigging clue. Thus, randomly generated policies and regulations can’t be worse than what we have traditionally enacted. In fact, they stand a very good chance of being a considerable improvement.”?