Cooking Up Romance
I’m 56 and single. All things considered””my many neuroses being among those things to consider, the chances of me finding a woman with whom I’m likely to be able to enter into a romantic relationship are bleak at the moment. I use the word “bleak“? in the sense of the prospects of survival being a tad bleak for someone stuck in a spaceship that got too close to the sun and is now being pulled inexorably by the sun’s overpowering gravity into that gargantuan, super-searing cauldron of uncontrolled nuclear fusion.
Nevertheless, unrealistic though I may be, I haven’t given up all hope for female companionship and, hopefully, more than solely companionship. I would, therefore appreciate any advice I can get.
For example, I’ve heard that some women are turned on by men who cook for them. If you’re one of those women, I need a little clarification: Would food poisoning spoil the mood for you or are you OK with that? I’m not very good in the kitchen.
Categorised as: relationships
I say go for it, Joel. Start simple, with say, Cap’n Crunch and Nestle’s Quik. Work from there.
Chris: Nestle’s Quick doesn’t sound very romantic. Instead, can you suggest a wine that goes well with Cap’n Crunch?
Food poisoning is never a turn on.
If you want something that can intrigue and entrance a woman indefinitely, try listening. It’s amazing to me how rare and precious that ability is.
Or you could start a band. Or become a serial killer. I don’t recommend, these, mind you, but unfortunately these seem to work as long as you don’t demand anything so useless as intelligence in your female companionship.
Stephanie: I’m sorry, were you saying something?
Patricia: I don’t remember having a sister named Patricia. Then again, my memory isn’t what it once was. Um, if you are my sister, would you mind trying to talk me out of that prison inmate girlfriend thing? By any chance, is she in for murdering her last boyfriend? If so, just so you know, you’re not in my will, so you won’t lose anything by talking me out of that relationship.
Shake ‘n Bake, that doesn’t sound too difficult. Is there a precooked version that can be eaten cold?
What if I throw some berries and banana slices into the Cap’n Crunch? Would that turn it into a nice dinner?
My brother is also 56 and single and, like you, he’s longing for a girlfriend. Right now, his girl of choice happens to be in prison and he’s waiting for her release. I’ve tried suggesting eHarmony.com and other online sites, but that would be too easy.
As far as cooking being the way to a woman’s heart, my husband cooked Shake ‘n Bake Chicken for me on our second date and I was hooked! Unfortunately, that was his entire repertoire and he isn’t a very enthusiastic cook but I didn’t find that out until after we were married. What we women really want–according to me–is a chef who creates those meals REGULARLY (so we don’t have to). You might want to learn a few more dishes as I think Cap’n Crunch doesn’t work so well for a nice dinner.
Food poisoning, no. Take-out and restaurant reservations, YES! Performing well in her FLOWER bed, YES! Seeing the mayo right in front of your nose without screaming for its whereabouts, YES! Recognizing she needs more the one pair of black shoes, YES! These things will take you far!
Ungirdled: I think I can handle all of that! Just one question: When you say, “Performing well in her FLOWER bed,” should I go with Shakespeare or do you think I should perform something more contemporary? And can you recommend any good acting schools?
David: You’re a regular reader so you’ve probably figured out that an atheist woman with a Jewish heritage would be ideal, but the Jewish part is not mandatory. In fact, if she expects me to keep kosher or follow the religion in any way, it isn’t going to work. By the way, if I do go with J-Date do you think I should be fully honest and complete in my profile or should I leave out the “short, somewhat overweight, heavily neurotic and possessing of low self-esteem” parts?
I suggest you try J-Date.
I have friends who have found people there desparate enough to date them and let’s just say they too had very bleak situations, even after decades of therapy.
You may wish to describe your dream girl as ashkenazi – they seem to be all over the site. And frankly, at your age, I don’t think they are pushing for jewish babies and probably wouldn’t even want chuppah material.
I think there are an extremely small minority of contestants on J-Date that have any illusion of kosher or religious adherence.
Go with honest. I’ve seen people with the most bizarre attributes find love inspite of all assumed likelihood. And frankly, I think the items you mentioned would lure them in since they could use their maternal instincts to guide you to a better life.
My friends have found some very good cooks there and a perfect potato latke with the exactly right toppings is not to be scoffed about – IMHO.
David: I’m not sure I’d want to date a woman who was attracted by a profile proclaiming me to be “short, somewhat overweight, heavily neurotic and possessing of low self-esteem.” Then again, maybe it’s just the old Groucho joke about never wanting to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
Latkes? Did someone say latkes? A really good latke is the way to my heart. And, because a really great latke is greasy, probably to my arteries as well.
Well I’m 53 and food poisoning is not a turn on. What is? Make me laugh, which you already do, pour me a glass of wine and feed me chocolate – that’ll do it everytime. Would you like the address to my flower bed?
Joanne Olivieri: WOW! I thought I was just being humorous. I didn’t know that my humor might actually lead to a date. I checked out your blog. I’m rather far from San Francisco so I think I’d rather do a little long-distance flirting before hopping on a plane. But I can do chocolate and wine if it’s called for.
By the way, it’s in my nature (low self-esteem) to assume we’re joking about this. Am I wrong about that? If so, I might have to start gasping for breath and perspiring heavily. (Another unfortunate personality trait.)
I’m kind of repulsive yet I’ve always been able to find female companionship. Based on what I’ve learned women are attracted to a sense of humor, coupled with a large, uhhmmm, manhood. That seemed to be the ticket.
Joe: Hmm, so repulsiveness has worked for you. Funny, it hasn’t worked for me. Maybe I should post some pictures of my “large, uhhmmm, manhood.”
Joel, a couple steaks on the grill, bake some potatoes and make a salad. Anybody can do that. I’m not a wine drinker but I’m sure someone can suggest a good one. And then rocky road ice cream for dessert.
Go get her!
Sue: I don’t have a grill, but my condo unit does have a patio attached to it, so I could probably light a bonfire on it and cook the steak on that. The fire department might have something to say about it, but there are some female firefighters, so it might work out OK.
“Stephanie: I’m sorry, were you saying something?”
I think I’ve pinpointed your problem!
Stephanie Barr: My “problem”? If you can’t make that plural then you’ve got a long way to go in solving the puzzle that is me.
Carl: Death Wish Women? I’m not morally opposed to one night stands, but I’d rather not have to dispose of the body in the morning. And I was hoping for something a little longer term. I was figuring the worst that would happen from food poisoning is that we’d share a toilet to throw up in or we’d get to spend some quality time together in a hospital room.
Dear Joel, try eHarmony. I think there is a category – Death Wish Women. You will have good luck there with your kitchen skills.
Joel, seriously no grill? This is going to be harder than I thought.
Okay, you will scare away a woman if you build a bonfire and wave a steak over it, there are other ways to meet women firefighters. 4th of July Parade maybe.
Buy yourself a little hibatchi grill.
Sue: I live in Canada, so we don’t celebrate Independence Day. Canada Day, which celebrates Canada’s confederation, is on July 1. There are a number of events for Canada Day it, but there are no big parades. An entirely unrelated event on the weekend before Canada Day includes a parade that attracts upwards of 1 million people. (Attendance estimates vary greatly.) Unfortunately, while it’s a very flamboyant and vibrant parade, I don’t think it’s one that would be conducive to me finding the sort of relationship that I’m looking for. It’s the Gay Pride parade. Same sex marriage is legal here, but that’s never held any attraction for me. Besides, I don’t like crowds.
LOL! I think ‘cooking’ here entails the product being at least sort of pleasant with no adverse side effects. XD
Get out more and hook up with girls
Shu Fen: “at least sort of pleasant with no adverse side effects” Jeez, they don’t make it easy, do they? Who comes up with these rules?
Geez, stay single! Why do you even want to do anything but that? Maybe it’s not for everyone, but I’m sure loving it.
Oreos for breakfast, Oreos for lunch and Oreos for a midnight snack. How hard is that?
RedRaider: I’m appalled! You need a much more varied diet than that. Instead of consuming only Oreos, try eating a Girl Guide cookie once in a while … or a Girl Guide. (Note to the PC crowd: Oh, shut up! It was a joke. I’m thoroughly and completely opposed to pedophilia. No joke. Alright? Now, a consenting Girl Guide den mother, that’s another matter.)
Most food poisoning takes hours to manifest. You just have to seal the deal and get her out of your bed before the explosive diarrhea sets in.
DouglasDyer: Thanks for the advice! I’ll see what I can do about getting the action going very quickly after dinner. I live in a condo, so I don’t have a backyard to send her to prior to the explosive diarrhea starting.
Joel, I figured it out. You don’t have to cook or expose your genitalia. Based upon my obsession with watching The Price Is Right, it has been observed that women love to have the chance to win stuff.
In exchange for dates, you could offer
“A NEW CAR!”
They seem happy just to have the chance and are pretty happy even if they don’t get the car.
So, “Go on a date with Joel, and you may WIN A NEW Car.”
Joe: I’m not poor, but I’m still going to have to emphasize the word “may” in “may WIN A NEW Car.” Let’s face it, they’re all going to have to be satisfied with the possibility, not the reality of winning the car. Maybe I could require that they answer a few skill-testing questions on quantum mechanics and astrophysics before they qualify to possibly win the car.
Does it have to be a new car? How about a nice bottle of champagne that they’re required to share with me?
I large box of Lucky Charms works for me every time!
MadMadMargo: Thanks for letting me know. I seem to recall that you live in Phoenix, right? I’d love to chat some more, but I’ve got to buy a ticket to Phoenix, go to the store and buy a super-large box of Lucky Charms and then head to the airport to catch my flight. See you soon.
The thing is, listening will make up for all manner of ills.
On the other hand, nothing wrong with some girl scout cookies, especially the thin mint. Though Grasshoppers will do in a pinch.
Stephanie Barr: So, listening, thin mint girl scout cookies and Grasshoppers will do it? That doesn’t sound difficult. Should I leave some cookies outside my door, see if that attracts some women and then listen to them if it does?
Maybe you’d be better off with a sign “Free Cookies” or “Sympathetic Ear”.
I know either sign would intrigue me if I didn’t already have someone to beat into submiss– to love.
Stephanie Barr: All it would take to intrigue you is a sign “Free Cookies” or “Sympathetic Ear”? Didn’t your parents ever tell you to not accept candy from strangers?
“Beating into love,” now there’s a concept I don’t want to get into here. I’m a pacifist.
Listening is good, I agree with Stephanie. Also (and I know that you are going to like this) – a sense of humor! Taking life’s ups and downs with humor and also being able to make the other person laugh is fabulous.
As is extra-dark chocolate. And as far as cooking, who cares? There’s always takeout, I say.
Lidian: Thanks Lidian. To sum up what you and others have said so far, the paths to romance include humor, listening, cookies, chocolate, grilled foods and Shake & Bake. That doesn’t sound too difficult. I can get most of it in any good supermarket. Now I just have to figure out the listening and humor parts. As to humor, this won’t come as the least bit of a surprise to anyone who knows me, but my problem is that, despite my exceptionally feeble attempts at humor, I’ve gone through life assuming that people, and particularly women, are laughing at me, not with me. So my questions is, will extra-dark chocolate be sufficient on its own?
nonamedufus: Maybe I’m setting my standards too high, but I was hoping for a relationship with someone a little more animated than an inflatable doll. Then again, I’ve been with one or two women who wouldn’t qualify. Re the commuting benefit, I work out of my home, all of my clients are out-of-town, and I live one block from a subway stop, so I almost never drive. Therefore, the ability to use the commuter lane isn’t much of a benefit for me.
Then again, nights can get lonely. I know you said that you’ve only heard about inflatable women but, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, out of your personal experience can you recommend any specific models?
Joel, I’ve heard they have inflatable women. Apparently they’re quiet, don’t nag and you wouldn’t have to worry about cooking. And they might fit the bill when it comes to um, er, as you put it “more than solely companionship”. Failing that you could stick em in the passenger seat and use the commuter lane during rush hour!
I’ve heard the Betty #349 will take your breath away. She’s a redhead.
nonamedufus: Thanks! I’m on it! Or her. Or whatever.
At 61, I’ve been single for a long time (divorced back in 1980) and I thoroughly enjoy being the “master of my own domain.” The problem at my age in looking for someone is that I’m not interested in women my own age and the ones I’m interested in are young enough to be my daughter. I guess that makes me the proverbial “dirty old man.” It’s a good thing they can’t arrest you for what your thinking!
Cheers!
robin: Back in my early days of blogging I wrote a very short post about one of life’s asymmetries that I hate: I’m too old for women who aren’t too young for me. I linked to that post in the first sentence of this comment, but there’s no need to follow the link because there wasn’t much more in the original post than what’s here.
Start gasping and perspiring
For chocolate and wine, I may just hop on a plane.
Joanne Olivieri: I’m at a loss for words. It seems that I was wrong about the gasping and perspiring. Your response did cause that, but the primary reason that I’m at a loss for words is that I’m busy trying to get my heart restarted.
Although, if we’re going to get together I’d prefer to fly out there rather than have you come here. That way I don’t have to clean my place. Given the condition of my condo, that would work out to be less expensive for me than renting the industrial equipment and hiring the contractors needed to get my place in shape.
And, a commenter on today’s post suggested that we try long-distance phone sex. I had some concerns about that, as I explained in my response to the commenter.
Ditto, I’ll need to do a thorough cleaning first. I’m lazy though so we may as well just meet at a hotel near the airport. As for the phone sex I’m afraid my hand would get too tired – holding the phone that is…
Joanne Olivieri: Oh great, two lazy people. Would either of us make it to the airport?