God and Televangelists
Traffic to this blog has risen substantially recently. Today’s post should put a stop to this very welcome, but exceptionally unfamiliar turn of events.
I have rock-solid proof that God can’t possibly exist. Here it is. If He exists, then why are we plagued with televangelists? If God existed, don’t you think He would have killed off these nut jobs long ago rather than having to listen to them prance around on stage in their expensive suits claiming to speak for Him?
Can there be anything more embarrassing for an omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent deity than being associated with televangelists? I can’t imagine it. If He existed, a few well-placed lightning bolts would take care of the lot of them in an instant. That would free up the airwaves for some worthwhile programming in the televangelists’ place. Maybe they could bring back Gilligan’s Island.
It has been more than 40 years since the last episode of the television show Gilligan’s Island was made. Ergo, there is no god. QED.
Categorised as: religion
I’d like to comment in my own words, but I think Zappa said it best:
There’s an ugly little weasel ’bout three-foot nine
Face puffed up from cryin’ ‘n lyin’
‘Cause her sweet little hubby’s
Suckin’ prong part time
(In the name of The Lord)
Get a clue, little shrew
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Jesus thinks you’re a jerk
Would he really choose Tammy to do His Work? Unh-unh
Hallelujah!
(Yes, friends . . . )
Robertson says that he’s The One
Oh he sure is, if Armageddon
Is your idea of family fun,
An’ he’s got some planned for you!
(Now, tell me that ain’t true)
Give me that old time religion!
Now, what if Jimbo’s slightly gay,
Will Pat let Jimbo get away?
Everything we’ve heard him say
Indicates that Jim must pay,
(And it just might hurt a bit) Just a bit!
But keep that money rollin’ in,
‘Cause Pat and naughty Jimbo
Can’t get enough of it (let’s dance!)
Perhaps it’s their idea
Of an Affirmative Action Plan
To give White Trash a ‘special break’;
Well, they took those Jeezo-bucks and ran
To the bank! To the bank! To the bank! To the bank!
And every night we can hear them thank
Their Buddy, up above
For sending down his love
(While you all smell the glove)
Henry Cisneros, ladies and gentlemen!
Jim and Pat should take a pole
(Right up each saintly glory-hole),
With tar and feathers too -
Just like they’d love to do to you
(‘Cause they think you are bad -
Yes, they do!
And they are very mad)
‘Cause some folks don’t want prayer in school!
(We’d need an ark to survive the drool
Of Micro-publicans, raised on hate,
And ‘Jimbo-Jumbo’ when they graduate)
Convinced they are ‘The Chosen Ones’ -
And all their parents carry guns,
(Hey, look! Godzilla!)
And hold them cards in the N.R.A.
(Ah, hellfire, Melvin, hey hee!)
(With their fingers on the trigger
(“It’s hot.”)
When they kneel and pray)
(“I mean that . . . “)
With a Ku-Klux muu-muu
In the back of the truck,
If you ain’t Born Again,
They wanna mess you up, screamin’:
“No abortion, no-siree!”
“Life’s too precious, can’t you see!”
(What’s that hangin’ from a neighbor’s tree?
Why, it looks like ‘colored folks’ to me -
Would THEY do THAT . . .
They’ve been doin’ it for years!
Seriously?)
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the dynamic Eric Buxton
Imagine if you will,
A multi-millionaire TV Evangelist,
Saved from Korean Combat duty by his father, a U.S. Senator
Studied law -
But is not qualified to practice it
Father of a “love child”
Who, in adulthood, hosts the remnants
Of papa’s religious propaganda program
Claims not to be a “Faith Healer,”
But has, in the past,
Dealt sternly with everything from hemorrhoids to hurricanes
Involved with funding for an ‘undeclared war’ in Central America
Claiming Ronald Reagan and Oliver North as close friends
Involved in suspicous ‘tax-avoidance schemes’,
(Under investigation for 16 months by the I.R.S.)
Claims to be a MAN OF GOD;
Currently seeking the United States Presidency,
Hoping we will all follow him into -
The Twilight Zone
But, hey! What if Pat gets in the White House,
(No fuckin’ way, Ike,
You know what I mean)
The rights of ‘certain people’ disappear
Mysteriously?
Now, wouldn’t that sort of qualify
As an American Tragedy?
(Especially if they cover it up, sayin’
“Jesus told it to me!”)
(I mean vapor tight, we’re like this, okay?
I mean that)
I hope we never see that day,
(I mean that. Right here. It’s hot. It’s hot.)
In The Land of The Free -
Or someday will we?
(92?)
Will we?
(96?)
And if you don’t know by now,
The truth of what I’m tellin’ you,
Then, surely I have failed somehow -
Surely I have failed somehow
Surely I have failed somehow
And Jesus will think I’m a jerk, just like you -
If you let those TV Preachers
Make a monkey out of you!
Sean: Wow. That comment was several times longer than my original post. I hope Frank Zappa’s estate doesn’t sue me for letting it stand.
Jen: I’ve seen your site(s) and took a look at that post. It doesn’t surprise me that you get preached to by nut jobs on the Kids of Queers site. Just remember that they are nut jobs. I’m encouraged that you didn’t get worse comments on that post. (Or did you delete some?) I wasn’t sure what sort of comments I was going to get here. So far so good, but I didn’t post it very long ago.
Genius! I wish I had thought of this arguement when the nut jobs were preaching to me at my other blog http://kidsofqueers.blogspot.com/2009/02/does-god-really-hate-homosexuals.html. It would have stopped them in their tracks. I’d love to watch Gilligan and all of his goofy antics again. His Hamlet is still one of my favorites.
Ah, Mary Ann, Mary Ann — fetch me a coconut cream pie, baby.
always: Let’s not forget Ginger.
Joel, if you get bad comments oh well. If you don’t I will be surprised. It almost seems like you get more hate comments from PETA.
ettarose: The only way to avoid all negative comments is to not say anything at all because there will always be someone who finds just about anything you talk about offensive. Effuse about the beauty of flowers in spring? Somebody will complain about your being insensitive to people with flower allergies.
Obviously, if you talk about highly controversial things, the vicious comments will flow more freely. I don’t enjoy reading them, but, like you say, oh well.
Is it me or is ALL tv going downhill these days? It’s been a minute since I turned on a show and said “Wow, I should watch this!
Jamie: It’s not just you. About a year ago, as I was paying my cable bill, I realized that I hadn’t turned on my television in months. Needless to say, I cancelled my cable. I haven’t regretted it. (As a funny aside, when I called the cable company to cancel, the customer service rep asked me why. I said, “because there’s nothing on worth watching.” He responded, “You are absolutely right!” When I expressed amazement at his response he said that he had been in college but had to drop out for financial reasons. He took the job at the cable company only to make enough money to be able to afford to go back to college.)
Margo M.: Here’s one area where we disagree. I’m an atheist. So, if the televangelists deserve to be laughed at (they do), we’ll have to do that job ourselves.
JoeL, I hate the way televangelists mess it all up, and claim ownership and claim to speak for God. I think God cuts them the same break we all get, but I’m pretty sure He’s up there alternately shaking head and laughing his arse off.
Priceless! hehehehe
Lady Rose: Thanks.
Mike: As should be clear by now, I don’t think he exists. But if I’m wrong he must be having one hell of a good time at our expense.
Aoi: Yes, religion does seem to strive to make itself hard to believe. On the other hand, much of modern television just makes itself difficult to enjoy.
Shawn: True, televangelists aren’t quite the superstars they once were, but at least they’re still good for a laugh.
Jenn: I didn’t expect Goethe or Sartre to be pulled into this conversation. It’s so rare to find someone who sees the obvious influence of their philosophies on Gilligan’s Island.
You know, if there is a god, I think he put thousands of different religions on this planet to make entertainment for him.
Cuz if he’s anything like the old testament and the koran says he is, than he’s a tiny little man with a tiny little penis that finds pain and suffering entertaining!
Religion in general seems to be the best proof of the non-existence of God. And the loss of Gilligan’s Island (replaced by that pale imitation known as “Lost”) is unpardonable.
At least the landscape has improved since the 80s. Televangelists were like superstars back then, what with your Jim and Tammy Faye Bakkers, Jerry Falwells, and Benny Hinns.
I believe Goerthe, or was it Satre, who touched on Existentialism as related to the Gilligan theory. Nice to see it making a comeback.
Two of my all time favourites: Earnest Angely (You are heeee-ald!) And Jimmy(?) and Tammy Fay Baker. I’d tune in religiously (pun intended) every Sunday not for the theologic posturing, but for the pure (unintended) comedic value. Ah those where the days, eh, little buddy?
nonamedufus: Yeah, plunk yourself down in front of the television with a two-four and a bucket of popcorn and those buffoons could provide hours of entertainment. (Translation for non-Canadians: A “two-four” is a case of 24 beers.)
I can live with that. I worship at the house of Hulu.com so it don’t matter to me!
chat blanc: It’s always heart-warming to find someone with healthy spirituality.
Well, I can’t say that I miss Gilligan’s Island because I don’t even remember it. But I agree about the televangelists, LOL.
Angelika: If the “1972″ in your blogger id is the year of your birth then the reason you don’t remember Gilligan’s Island might be that there were no new TV episodes after 1967. (Although it lived on reruns. And I seem to recall there being a movie, but, if so, I didn’t see it.) I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
I like to think that televangelists are not tests as to whether there is a god or not but whether or not intelligent life exists on the planet…
Pearl
Pearl: If so, we’re screwed.
Matt: Thanks for the drop. Glad you enjoyed the post.
Dropping EC here today, enjoyed this post…televangelists are scum
That was seriously the longest comment ever..no for real …
dani: Ya think?