Announcer: You’re watching the Internet BS News Network, IBSNN, the Internet’s most authoritative news source, for whatever that’s worth.
Anchorperson: Welcome back. We’re getting ready to take you live to a press conference called by Penny Lesse, senior economics advisor to the government. Ms. Lesse holds a record four PhDs in economics, one from each of Harvard, Princeton, Oxford and Cambridge. She’s won a Nobel Prize for economics and currently holds the Albert I.G. Leemaun Chair in Economics at Effingbatty University in Zurich, Switzerland, while at the same time holding the I.M. Bonkers Chair in Economics at R.U. Daft University in Washington, DC. On weekends Lesse coaches in a girls’ field hockey league, knits and collects lint. Economics Wow! Magazine recently reported that Lesse has the world’s largest lint collection and she plans to open a museum to share her treasures with the public.
My producer tells me that Ms. Lesse is getting ready to speak so let’s go there now.
Penny Lesse: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I’m here to provide an update on our nation’s economy and on the world economic situation in general. I’ll make a brief statement and then I’ll take questions. OK, let’s get started.
Any questions? Yes, Colum Nisst from the Backwater Beagle.
Colum Nisst: Would you care to expand on that?
PL: Yes, absolutely. We’re totally screwed.
CN: A follow-up question, if I may. You’re being quite curt with us. Can’t you give our readers and viewers more detail?
PL: I’m glad you asked, Colum. Yes. Yes, I can. We are so totally fucking screwed that it’s beyond belief.
Any other questions? Yes, Dezi Lation from the Behindthee Times.
Dezi Lation: Can you tell us what the government plans to do about it?
PL: As you know, Dezi, I’m only an advisor to the government. I don’t make policy and I can’t speak on behalf of the government. Nonetheless, history makes it quite easy to predict what the government will do. There is no doubt in my mind that it will act forcefully, yet carefully to implement a series of extensive, well thought out, costly programs that won’t come anywhere close to solving the problem because, did I mention, we are so totally fucking screwed.
More questions? Yes, Connie Jobs, from the Lowdown World Gazette.
Connie Jobs: Can you tell us what you are planning to do personally, in your capacity as the world’s leading economist, to deal with this economic crisis?
PL: Yes, certainly. I have a cabin in the woods that I’ve stocked with a year’s supply of canned goods and dried foods. I have a vegetable garden and a few fruit trees there. Blueberries grow wild on the nearby rocks. There are plenty of fish and game in the area as well. I’ve had a deep well dug. There are solar panels on the roof and I’ve erected a couple of wind turbines in a nearby clearing. So, I can live at the cabin indefinitely in relative comfort.
Of course, to take care of … um … biological needs, there is a large septic tank, the contents of which can be quickly emptied into the alligator-infested moat surrounding the cabin, should that become necessary. The drawbridge over the moat is spring-loaded and can be raised in less than a second without damaging the two-foot-thick reinforced concrete walls of the cabin.
I’ve bought several large-caliber weapons, about a dozen handguns and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Through my contacts at the Pentagon I’ve also been able to secure a number of grenades and cruise missiles. And it’s not definite, but I think I’ve got a line on an army-surplus tank and a large supply of ammunition for its guns. I haven’t yet gone nuclear, but I’ve entered into a passionate affair with a needy, nerdy, sex-starved nuclear physicist just in case I need to have his knowledge and skills on-hand.
Thank you. That’s all the time we have. You’re on your own. I have to go. Now!