Paul Overtown, warden of Lokmup Prison, in Throway Keys, Florida surprised area residents today with an announcement that he was leaning toward approving a request for conjugal visits at his prison. “I understand people’s concern about this important issue,” said Overtown in response to a reporter’s question. “I’m as uneasy as they are about the moral implications. These men are here for a reason. They are being punished for their crimes. We shouldn’t be rewarding them.”
Overtown went on to say, “But we have to weigh the plusses against the minuses. These men will be released one day. When they are, if they know all of the proper verb forms and when to use each they’ll be able to communicate better and, as a result, they’ll be more appealing to prospective employers. And, lets face it, an ex-con needs every leg up he can get when applying for a job. If visitors are willing to come and help the men to learn the proper usage of verb forms then I’m willing to consider it, even if the visits don’t conform 100% to the existing rules.”
At that point, an assistant leaned over and whispered into Overtown’s ear, explaining to him that the word the warden was thinking of was “conjugate,” not “conjugal.” Unaware that the microphone was on and that he could be heard by the reporters, the assistant went on to clarify to Overtown that conjugal visits meant that a private area would be set aside where an inmate could have sex with his visiting wife or girlfriend.
Forgetting about the assembled crowd, upon hearing this Overtown barked at his assistant, “There’s no damned way I’m going to allow that! What a damn fool notion that is! If we allow the prisoners to start having sex with their womenfolk while the prisoners are still serving their sentences, at least half – at least half, I tell you – of the wives and girlfriends will end their affairs with me. Screw that!”
The assistant, who was also getting some on the side, showed visible signs of relief.
Categorised as: news (yeah, right)