This is not something that a writer likes to admit, but I am exceptionally lazy when it comes to building my vocabulary. I don’t work at it nearly as hard as I should.

For example, for the longest time I thought that “layman” meant something completely different than what it does mean. I couldn’t be bothered to look it up in the dictionary, but I was thoroughly convinced that I couldn’t possibly be a layman because, not to put too fine a point on it, I wasn’t getting any nookie. I’ve always been pathologically shy and, to top it off, over the years I’ve developed a morbid fear of the friend speech, so there have been a lot of dry spells in my life. The Sahara Desert comes to mind.

My erroneous understanding of the word layman was reinforced when someone explained the term “evangelist” to me. I was told that one of the meanings of evangelist is a layman who engages in missionary work. “Hmm,” I thought. “A layman engaged in missionary work. I get it. It’s someone who is doing it in the missionary position. Thanks for clearing that up for me.”

It wasn’t until years later that I learned my mistake. I was on a date and we had gone back to her place for coffee. I thought things were going very well, which was rare for me. I asked her if she was OK with me being a layman and an evangelist. She said yes, she would be absolutely thrilled with that, but then she slapped my face and threw me out when I started to unbutton her blouse. It was then that I realized that I was probably using the words incorrectly.