I’m a compulsive eater. To compensate, there are a number of foods that I rarely buy because, while I can usually (usually, but not always) resist them on the journey from the store to my home, I know they’ll be gone shortly after arriving at my place. Included on this list are: cookies, ice cream, crackers, nuts, potato chips, chocolate, cheeses (just about any kind), any cereals that can, in addition to being eaten in a bowl with milk, also be enjoyed dry by the handful, and M&Ms-particularly M&Ms.

I’m OK with canned goods, frozen foods (other than ice cream), anything that requires cooking, and most fruits and vegetables that are grown in single-serving-sized portions. But, other than that, I’m a uncontrollable glutton.

If I drop by your place for a visit don’t leave any food in front of me if you hope to keep any of it for yourself or your family. Padlocking your fridge would also be a good idea.

Oh yes, add one more thing to the verboten shopping list: bread. Well, not the tasteless variety of white bread, but just about any other type of bread. To name but a few, rye, pumpernickel, marble rye, whole wheat, sourdough, baguettes, French bread, focaccia, panatone, challah, naan and olive loaf-particularly olive loaf-aren’t going to have time to get to get comfortable in my home before they’re though my intestines, out my anus and into the toilet.

What happens is, after bringing the bread home, I cut off a couple of slices or, if it’s pre-sliced, pull a couple of slices out of the bag. To avoid temptation, I take the slices out of the kitchen and eat them in another room. Two slices are more than sufficient to satisfy me-for about five minutes. Then it’s back to the kitchen, where I get a couple more slices. I repeat this routine until the whole loaf is gone, usually in considerably less than half a day.

What I need is an automatic food dispenser that won’t allow me to take more than a prescribed amount of food at infrequent intervals. That way, I’ll be able to buy foods I enjoy without the fear of being captured and imprisoned by aquarium officials who want to set up a gray whale exhibit.

The problem as I see it is that this device will have to be sufficiently versatile, or there will have to be a sufficient number of different models, to accommodate all of the foods I consume compulsively. That should keep the manufacturer’s engineers busy for decades. If anyone is aware of such a gadget please let me know. There are a lot of foods I’d like to start buying and eating again.