I don’t hold a traditional view of God. In fact, I usually describe myself as an atheist, but that’s not entirely accurate. Despite not believing in a god as such, I do believe that there is an amorphous, conscious force that controls the universe and is out to get me. I came to this conclusion after a careful reexamination of my relationships, or lack thereof, with women over the years.

I suspect that I’ll continue to hold my rather unorthodox, largely atheist religious views for many years to come unless, of course, God strikes me down with lightning as punishment for publishing these words. In the split second that it takes for the lightning to come down from the sky and strike me I might experience an epiphany and begin, if only exceptionally briefly, to believe in the more conventional concept of God before I’m turned into ash.

Another thing that might convert me is a series of vigorous, fulfilling sexual relations with voluptuous, exciting women of all races and creeds, none of whom have any communicable diseases. But if history is any guide the lightning thing is much more likely.