Internationally renowned Mazurka music superstar Peter Sauvlemonde and his wife Herminie recently spent three recuperative weeks at their Chagrinshire County home, where they lamented their failure to stop the Canadian seal hunt and whined about the expense they had to incur to replace their full-length leather coats, which were scuffed in the course of their anti-hunt protests.

Reached by telephone at his home earlier this week, Peter Sauvlemonde said, “We wanted to stay longer in Newfoundland and in the Gulf of St. Lawrence, but we had no idea when we set out that it would be cold on the ice flow so we left our fur-lined boots at home. We could have withstood our foot discomfort a little longer, but, if you’ve never smelled it yourself, you wouldn’t believe the stench of a baby seal’s breath. It was horrid. If we spent one more minute posing with those blighters we would have surely passed out. Given the severity of the problem, you’d think the Canadian government would distribute breath mints with the seals’ food. It just goes to prove the barbarism of that despicable government. A worldwide hockey boycott is definitely in order.”

The Sauvlemondes have been animal rights activists for decades and never willingly give up the good fight. Thus, they were appalled to read on a respected blog that lions in Africa are hunting and terrorizing innocent gazelles, some as young as only a few months old. With complete disregard for humane treatment, these vicious lions pounce on unsuspecting gazelles, sometimes ripping flesh from them while they’re still alive. The Sauvlemondes were, understandably, appalled by these ghastly atrocities. Knowing the importance of their animal rights work and not being ones to wallow for long in past disappointments, the couple jetted yesterday to Tanzania in Central Africa to protest against and attempt to bring to an end the unrelenting, brutal gazelle hunt that occurs there.

On their arrival in Africa, the Sauvlemondes immediately headed to the Serengeti Plain with a large media contingent in tow. After spotting a family of gazelles, Peter and Herminie sidled up to them and posed for a photo opportunity with a particularly cute baby gazelle. On seeing this display of bravery and affection, a nearby pride of lions that had been preparing to pounce on the innocent gazelles realized the error of their past ways and spared the gazelles. Instead, the lions ate the Sauvlemondes and a few journalists. Having such a surfeit of food, the lions offered to share their prey with the gazelles. Past experience left the gazelles extremely nervous about the sincerity of the gesture, but they were grateful nonetheless.

Film at eleven.